Tag Archives: Funny

Review not by Deet( You’re gonna love this one)

I haven’t read this book.  That doesn’t mean I won’t, but what follows the blurb is one of the funniest reviews I have ever read on Amazon.  Tell me, would you read this book after reading that review? Read the blurb first.  ( I love this cover!! That gown is to die for!)

a-reliable-wife

A Reliable Wife by Robert Goolrick

Book Blurb:

Rural Wisconsin, 1909. In the bitter cold, Ralph Truitt, a successful businessman, stands alone on a train platform waiting for the woman who answered his newspaper advertisement for “a reliable wife.” But when Catherine Land steps off the train from Chicago, she’s not the “simple, honest woman” that Ralph is expecting. She is both complex and devious, haunted by a terrible past and motivated by greed. Her plan is simple: she will win this man’s devotion, and then, ever so slowly, she will poison him and leave Wisconsin a wealthy widow. What she has not counted on, though, is that Truitt — a passionate man with his own dark secrets —has plans of his own for his new wife. Isolated on a remote estate and imprisoned by relentless snow, the story of Ralph and Catherine unfolds in unimaginable ways.

With echoes of Wuthering Heights and Rebecca, Robert Goolrick’s intoxicating debut novel delivers a classic tale of suspenseful seduction, set in a world that seems to have gone temporarily off its axis.

**

A 2-star Amazon review

By Alyssa Donati on March 20, 2012

Format: Paperback Verified Purchase

as he flung her onto the crimson horsehair settee and ravaged her like a wild dingo. He bathed in her flesh, he scooped it up like rich creamy yogurt until her swarthy lover burst in and brandished a large shotgun. “Release that venomous tart!” He bellowed. “Never! I must have her! I shall devour her completely until only one dazzling amber eyeball remains!”

No, this is not a quote from Goolrick or A Reliable Wife, HOWEVER it could have been.

A reliable Wife is not terrible. There are some beautifully written passages and it does commence with an intriguing plot but unfortunately midway through the book begins to morph into a dime store bodice ripper. Goolrick’s protagonist is a miserable aging man who craves sex so much you begin to worry he’s going to go completely nuts one day and mount the portly old housekeeper when she’s taking out the trash. He winds up advertising for a wife and when she arrives he turns into Charlie Sheen (the new one with the Tiger Blood and porn Goddesses…) From then on the book’s plot becomes so preposterous and the sexual encounters so salacious and repetitive it’s truly hard to maintain interest. In addition to the bacchanalian sex, the sprawled limbs, the moist loins, the heaving bosoms etc…every character in this novel basically wants to drop dead (that is, if they’re not in the middle of intercourse.) Truly, I have never seen so many homicidal, suicidal, morose, pissed off, seething, wretched individuals crammed into one book. So, in summation, if you like watching irate vengeful people savagely engage in coitus and then drop dead, you might like this book.

(Deet says: I came across this book because it was on one of those Buy this for $1.99 deals I get in my e-mail so often.) 

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Filed under Book review, Books, Historical Fiction, History, Humor, Laughs, sexy, Suspense

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June 4, 2015 · 2:04 pm

Deet’s Life- Funny moments in bookstores

Fifty shades photo bookstore

From Buzzfeed, More laughable book-fails here.

 

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Recent Release Review- He’s So Fine by Jill Shalvis

Title: He’s So Fine (book #11, Lucky Harbor Series)

He's So Fine by Jill Shalvis

Genre: Contemporary Romance

Author: Jill shalvis

Publisher: Grand central, Forever, Sept 30, 2014

Source: Free for review from the publisher

Rating: 4

Sexy Rating: 5

Description from Amazon.com:

For Olivia Bentley, Lucky Harbor is more than the town where she runs her new vintage shop. It’s the place where folks are friendly to strangers-and nobody knows her real name. Olivia does a good job of keeping her past buried, not getting too cozy with anyone . . . until she sees a man drowning. Suddenly she’s rushing into the surf, getting up close and personal with the hottest guy she’s ever laid hands on. Charter boat captain Cole Donovan has no problem with a gorgeous woman throwing her arms around his neck in an effort to “save” him. In fact, he’d like to spend a lot more time skin-to-skin with Olivia. He’s just not expecting that real trouble is about to come her way. Will it bring her deeper into Cole’s heart, or will it be the end of Olivia’s days in little Lucky Harbor?

**

This is the #11 book in Shalvis’ Lucky Harbor Series but go ahead and jump right in because it is a standalone novel and a fun and romantic story. Shalvis starts off with a comical and daring “rescue” of Cole by Olivia. How can they not get together when one thing leads to no clothes? But Olivia has secrets and some emotional baggage and Cole is a guy who values honesty above all. It is quick and delightful reading to discover how Shalvis will make this obviously perfect match actually work out even though it is a bit predictable. The side characters have been met in previous books of the series and they will make you want to read their stories if you are coming in late to the series, as will those characters who are still waiting for their stories to happen. Tanner and Callie will get theirs in the next installment of the series, ONE IN A MILLION (October, 2014).

A top-notch Contemproary romance from a top-notch author. You’re gonna love it.

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Kindle Book Review- A Passionate Affair With A Total Stranger by Lucy Robinson

Title:  A Passionate Love Affair With a Total Stranger

A Passionate Love Affair with a Total Stranger

 Genre: Contemporary Romance/Chick-Lit

Author:  Lucy Robinson

Publisher: Notting Hill Press

Source: Purchase, Kindle $3.99

Rating: 4

Sexy Rating: 4

Description from Amazon.com:

Charley Lambert has worked hard at creating a perfect life. She has an aspirational flat, a job of international significance and a very good pair of legs, thanks to a rigorous health and fitness regime. Best of all, her boss has asked her out after seven years’ hard flirting and a covert fumble in a cleaning cupboard. 
Then she breaks her leg in three places, watches her boss propose to someone else and – horror – is forced to hand over her job to her nasty deputy. Charley, a certified workaholic, fears that she will go mad. 
Dangerously bored, she starts helping people who are talentless at internet dating. Then William arrives in her inbox and rocks her world. Helpless, she watches herself fall in love with him and discovers she’s not who she thought she was. 
 But can she turn her back on her old life – all for a total stranger?

**

This is Chick-Lit the way it should always be written; funny, sweet, angst-ridden, character driven and full of romance.  I read this over 400 page book in one day.  I could not put it down.  I became so entwined in the lives of Charley, John, Sam, Hailey and the Lambert family that I had to stay up all night to see them safely to the end of the book.  All but one made it that far.  Take this one along on your August vacation for an entertaining beach read.

It is set in England, written by a British author, so there is a plethora of British Slang, or as my Oxford English Dictionary calls most of it “vulgar British slang”.  So you don’t have to run to the dictionary here is a brief list:

Slapper– A promiscuous woman

Muff– A woman’s genitals

Fitties-( I couldn’t find a definition of this anywhere.)

Slag– A Promiscuous woman

Wanker– A contemptible person

Buggered– Extremely tired

Skive– Avoid work or duty by staying away or leaving early.

Pash– A brief infatuation.

(Let’s not hold it against the author for that truly awful book cover.  Inside is what really counts.)

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Filed under Book review, Books, Chick Lit, Contemporary Romance, E-Book, Kindle

Fake Romance Novel Quotes

(previously published on this blog on July 14,2011)

romance

If you have read any romance novels at all then you have come across some laughable “purple prose”.  Awhile back someone sent me this list of what I’m assuming are made-up romance novel quotes.  The list remains one of my all time favorites.  Here’s hoping your sense of humor is as sick as mine:

His body was hard — not hard like Milosevic, the Serbian strongman, but hard like the marble on your shower floor, when you fall and bang your knee.

Her shoulders heaved like the tiny sobs of Snuggles the cat being run through with a roasting spit.

Her embrace made his manhood swell like week-old roadkill on hot asphalt in the Georgia sun.

Her petticoats dropped to the ground, rustling like a cockroach in a sugar bowl.

As she kissed her way down his manly chest, he felt his Amalgamated Crane Company stock increasing in value.

Beatrice was on him like a piranha on a corn dog.

…then he kissed her, like a butterfly kisses the windshield of a Porsche on the Autobahn.

Her breasts heaved like a stormy ocean, and her pointed nipples were like hypodermics washed up on the shore.

With his broad shoulders and slim waist, he was a yield sign — yet she could NOT!

He tore open her blouse like a Publisher’s Clearing House letter in which he, and some guy named Steven Bouber from Stockton, California, were potential finalists for the ten million dollar prize.

His manhood stood at full attention, stiff and stony like the vice president.

Sleekly malevolent, driven by a violent hunger, Donovan glided through the chum-filled waters of the singles bar, oblivious to the remora of Annabelle’s adoring gaze.

Like the wind, she ran, her breasts lurching like a motor boat over a wake, and then, as fluid as a fine imported transmission, she whipped out her man-organ and pissed away his dreams.

Her sun-glazed back formed a golden arch as he moved his face toward her happy meal.

With each breath, her chest heaved like a bulimic after Thanksgiving dinner.

He Beatty-ed her shamelessly, making her squeal like Ned and hallucinate like Warren.

He awoke my slumbering womanhood with his double tall loin latte. “Starbuck!” I cried.

His chest was her pillow, and oh, did she drool.

Claire felt swept away by this dark stranger, a helpless dust bunny in the roaring cacophony of his gas-powered leaf blower.

(Deet is on vacation until December 3rd and will run some older posts that were well received)

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Filed under Contemporary Romance, Erotic Romance, Historical Romance, Humor, Quote, Romance, sexy

Happy Halloween 2013

Happy Halloween

 

Halloween witches

 

Witch saying

(from author Susan Anderson’s Facebook page)

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Some Entertaining Phrases in History

History

Awhile back a good friend sent me the following in one of those forwards that travel the internet.  I can’t verify the authenticity of the information but it all sounds truthful to me. But I just wanted you to know that I’m posting this as I received it and have not researched the purported facts. In fact it makes so much sense that I’m wondering where and how other phrases originated.

(I originally posted this on my blog on March 29, 2012 but it deserves repeating don’t you think?)

Interesting History

Where did “Piss Poor” come from?

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot and then once a day it was taken and sold to the tannery. If you had to do this to survive you were “Piss Poor.”

But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn’t even afford to buy a pot —

they “didn’t have a pot to piss in,” and were the lowest of the low.

Here are some facts about the 1500s:

 The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature

isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

 Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a “bouquet of flowers” to hide the body odor.  Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies, by then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.  Hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water!”

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.

It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.  When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.  Hence the saying, “It’s raining cats and dogs.”

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.  Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.

That’s how “canopy beds” came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.  Hence the saying, “Dirt poor.”  The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way. Hence: a “thresh hold.”

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.  Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.  Hence the rhyme:

“Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.”

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.  When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.  It was a sign of wealth that a man could, “bring home the bacon.”  They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and “chew the fat.”

Those with money had plates made of pewter.  Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status.  Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the “upper crust.”

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey, the combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the

family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.

Hence the custom of “holding a wake.”

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.

So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.

Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (“the graveyard shift”) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, “saved by the bell”, or was considered “a dead ringer.”

Now, whoever said History was boring!!!  If you have any “curious facts” post them in the comments.

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“Big Buzz” Advance Review-The Rosie Project by Graeme Simsion (Oct. 1, 2013)

Title:  The Rosie Project

The Rosie Project

Genre:  Fiction/Romance/Mystery

Author: Graeme Simsion

Publisher: Simon and Schuster, Oct. 1, 2013

Source:  Free for review from the Amazon Vine Program

Rating: 5+

Sexy Rating:  Sexual Tension but nothing explicit

Description from amazon.com:

An international sensation, this hilarious, feel-good novel is narrated by an oddly charming and socially challenged genetics professor on an unusual quest: to find out if he is capable of true love.

Don Tillman, professor of genetics, has never been on a second date. He is a man who can count all his friends on the fingers of one hand, whose lifelong difficulty with social rituals has convinced him that he is simply not wired for romance. So when an acquaintance informs him that he would make a “wonderful” husband, his first reaction is shock. Yet he must concede to the statistical probability that there is someone for everyone, and he embarks upon The Wife Project. In the orderly, evidence-based manner with which he approaches all things, Don sets out to find the perfect partner. She will be punctual and logical—most definitely not a barmaid, a smoker, a drinker, or a late-arriver.

Yet Rosie Jarman is all these things. She is also beguiling, fiery, intelligent—and on a quest of her own. She is looking for her biological father, a search that a certain DNA expert might be able to help her with. Don’s Wife Project takes a back burner to the Father Project and an unlikely relationship blooms, forcing the scientifically minded geneticist to confront the spontaneous whirlwind that is Rosie—and the realization that love is not always what looks good on paper.
**

What is “The Buzz”?  It is that publicity that takes off and ends up with a life of its own.  It is what creates lines around the block for opening films and it creates #1 bestsellers on the NY Times list.  And it is fueled by rumor, word of mouth, calculated publicity and advertisements.  And this week I will be contributing to “The Buzz” by telling you romance lovers to run not walk to your favorite book retailer and pre-order this fabulous book. It is to be published in the USA on October 1, 2013. It is already available for my UK and European followers.

The author is Australian and has won an award for this book, The Victoria Award.  It is now being released in 30 countries.  How fortunate for those of us in the other countries to have a chance to read this delightful, wonderful, uplifting novel. Destined for the “keeper” shelf. It is also optioned for film by Sony.

I’m not going to repeat the synopsis, it is well done already.  The plotting is superb, the character development is superb, the story is unique, the romance is not like any other, the mystery is fun to try and figure out, the humor is laugh out loud and the side characters are believable.  I highly recommend this book to all readers who want an intelligent, thoughtful and hilarious read that will stay with you and beg for a re-read. This one goes on the “Best of 2013” list at the top.

Online Pre-Order Availability U.S. (these prices may change at the whim of these booksellers) :

B&N-Hardcover, $15.58, Nook, $11.99

Amazon- Hardcover, $14.40, Kindle, $10.67

UK Availability(you can go and get it right now) at Amazon: Hardcover, 9.09 (pounds), Kindle, 7.99 (pounds) I’m sorry,I don’t have one of those pound currency signs on my keyboard.

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Filed under Book review, Books, Contemporary Romance, E-Book, General Fiction & Literature, Humor

Tuesday Extra

I loved this and thought you might like it too.

Ellen De Gen relEstate Ads 1

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